Humpday Confessions [12-21]

  • December 21, 2016
  • By Kathy@MoreCoffeeLessTalky

+ I honestly think that doctors' brains are wired differently because I found out that my doc changed her schedule and now only takes appointments for physicals right before lunch.  What?!  How can you look at vaginas and then go grab food? *insert taco joke here*.

+ Speaking of physicals, why must doctors feel the need to talk while they're down there peering into my fucking soul and stabbing my lady bits with that god-awful mascara-looking wand thing?  I get she's trying to make me comfortable but shit, please don't talk to me as you do unspeakable acts of violation to my baby box, k? thanks.

+ Got my blood pressure checked and the doc said: "105 over 70; that's really really good!".

+ I totally declined a bunch of (Facebook) friend requests from every.single.coworker because why would I want someone I work with knowing my personal life?

+ Am I the only parent who derives no joy from that stupid Elf on the Shelf?  6 nights out of 7, we're already in bed just about to go to sleep and then I hear (or I say) "FUCK! we forgot to move the elf!".  Then it becomes a "who's going to get out of bed to move it" discussion and we often have to resort to several rounds of rock-paper-scissors.

+ Kayla's cousins got an "elf reindeer" that you're allowed to touch (since you can't touch the elf). I wish my inlaws would stop with this fuckery/making my life difficult because now Kayla is wondering if an elf reindeer will come to our house...that means TWO annoying things I'd have to remember to move around each night.  I haven't said anything, she hasn't asked but you can be damn sure that an elf reindeer is not welcome up in hurr.

+ You know you're old when you have a conversation with your (post-menopausal) mom about how can we get more calcium into our bodies to prevent osteoporosis.

+ Being at work during the holidays means I wear sweats in the office and IDGAF.

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  1. Oh man... the elf has accessories/friends? That sucks...

    Your whole 2nd paragraph described pap-conversations is gold. No, I don't want to tell you about my holiday plans while you violate me. Thanks, though.

  2. It does look like a mascara wand! I've always said it looks like a toilet bowl cleaning brush! But yeah, seriously, they'll be all "so what's new?" Umm, not a lot, just thinking about how weird it is that you're all up in my vag & we're chatting. -__-

    Also, NOPE. My house ain't gettin' no elf on a shelf or any of his weird band of misfit elf friends. I don't always remember to brush my teeth before bed, I certainly won't remember to move the damn elf.

  3. The elf has a reindeer?? I hate when the doctor tells me what my blood pressure is... you're the doctor not me. I have absolutely no idea what those numbers mean or what's good/not good. Just tell me "you're fine" "calm your tits" "it's lookin low"

  4. Doctors are a breed all of their own. I never add counsellors do FB while I'm working with them, after camp has finished if they send me a friend request and I think they're a mostly good human who has potential to become a good grown up I'll accept their request, but I'm never the first one to request, because I'm really not that invested in keeping in touch with co-workers.

  5. Dear lord, they need to cool it with that elf shit. Reindeer, seriously? are they as goddamn creepy looking as the elf?
    Completely hear you about the doctor... why are we chatting? We don't need to chat! Just get in there and get done, my work is fine, life is fine, weather is fine, can I go home now?!

  6. I gave up on the elf a while ago. I was terrible at it and just too damn lazy. I find the chit chat during the breast exam just as awful, like just shut it already... don't make it weird.

  7. My OB/GYN talks to me about knitting whenever she's all up in my lady parts... doesnt help I'm laying on the table knitting ;) haha - it distracts me.

    I dont have any FB friends that are coworkers - except my manager that sent me 50 requests & then told me I BETTER accept her. I dont like spending9 hours a day with these people much less having them know about my life.

  8. My OBGYN office was great and I just got a letter last week that they are closing the location in my city. I don't even know how to go about finding a new one. UGHHH. Not the end of the world, but very annoying. Not a good end of the year announcement to get.. :( LOLOLOLOLOL on the comments there! :P Um, I HATE the elf on the shelf. We were at a restaurant waiting in line the other day and this dad comes in with a preteen and a 7(?) year old. And the 7 year old is losing his s- and he's freaking THROWING his elf in the AIR. It's falling on the floor, hitting the walls, I look at him pick it up (probably glare) and it HAS NO FUCKING HEAD. SERIOUSLY. Other kids were there and I was LIVID. without kids... because you're not supposed to touch it, how are other parents going to explain that that elf isn't "dead"? Some people.... I'm friends with work people on FB... but I keep it pretty boring on there.. lol I mean... I don't ever do anything I wouldn't want them seeing or knowing, so it's all good lol. But I can understand not wanting it. XO - Alexandra

    Simply Alexandra: My Favorite Things

  9. There will be no elf on the shelf in my house. If Kyra ever asks about it when she is older I'm simply going to say that I have a personal and direct line with Santa.

    Also totally agree with you. Do not talk to me while you are down there! Let's both pretend this isn't happening!