when age makes you think of death12:00 AM
Talk about a morbid post title, right?
It's no secret that I'm an old hag and turning 41 in December really did something to me, mentally; it's almost as if the clock of life switched on in my head and I feel like I need to get my shit in order with my health.
Food and fitness - check. I have no issues or concerns with this and I know that I do everything I can to get the Grim Reaper to back the fuck up. I eat as organically as possible (because fuck chemicals and pesticides, even though it probably doesn't even make a difference due to cross-contamination) and I workout like fuck to keep my heart strong, my weight and stress levels low. Aside from my wacky hormones due to over-exertion/over-exercise which is making my baby box dry up like the sahara desert, I'm working on a plan to get that back on track.
but what about the other "unknowns"? the things happening in our bodies that we don't know about until it's too late?
I'll be the first to admit that cancer scares me. Too many times I hear stories - people I know, even - who fall victim to cancer at an early age even though they do everything right: eating clean, regular exercise, low stress, not overweight, low body fat....and then they kick the bucket.
What the fuck, life?
So part of my plan is to find out before it finds me:
1) Colorectal health. When my husband's good friend passed from colon cancer (that took him very quickly from diagnosis to death), it scared the shit out of me because he was in amazing shape and only 45 - my husband's age. I immediately called my doctor, booked my physical and while I was with her, asked for a referral to a GI specialist.
My colonoscopy consult happened on Monday and after a great informative discussion with the specialist, I discovered that my heritage and gene pool makes me susceptible to colorectal cancer. Rude.
In addition, my father had a polyp removed during his procedure and although I don't remember what the pathology reported (this procedure was done in 2004), the GI doc said that I can do the procedure under coverage of OHIP (our universal health care aka no charge to me) since I fall under the guidelines of early screening (Ontario screening begins at 50yrs old).
I hummed and hawed about it for a couple of days because hello, you have to drink a gallon of this gross liquid that makes you shit out your insides for 30 minutes, followed by butthole sodomy with a fiber optic camera for a good 15-20 minutes. He also mentioned that sedatives are given before the procedure and thank fuck for that; I'll be free basing that shit, thank you very much.
I decided I was being too dramatic about this whole thing so after I got over myself, I pulled the trigger and scheduled the appointment.
2) Intra vag and pelvic exam. Ugh, I think I'd much rather have an inanimate object fingering my asshole then do this fucking test. I hate the fact that it's so uncomfortable what, with having to drink 32oz of water one hour before the exam and then sitting there with a full bladder that's 2 seconds away from exploding waiting for them to call you...and they almost never do until hours later.
3) Dentist. Ok, so this doesn't have to do with anything internal but I've neglected going to the dentist for nearly a year because fuck the dentist. I keep my gums and teeth in tip top shape but I suspect it's not enough. I already have my appointment scheduled and they were so happy when I called because those bitches have been harassing me for months to go in.
4) Last will and testament. Although this has nothing to do with a medical doctor, I do have to go about finding a lawyer to finally get our wills done. I know, it's awful that we have a kid and no will to dictate who gets what. We said that we would get our shit in order before Kayla was born and well, she's 8 now and we haven't done jack. Damn you, laziness!
So in the next 2 months, I'm going to make it my mission to find a lawyer and have our wills done properly but I'll be 100% honest and admit that one of the biggest reasons why I put this off was because of the fees.
I have a good friend who's an environmental lawyer and I'm trying to convince him to do our wills but he keeps telling me that's not his expertise. I always respond with: but you're a lawyer. And my friend. And you wouldn't charge me so how hard can it really be for you to read up on that shit? (I know, he's totally right and I'm kidding. Sort of).
I suppose I could go low budge and print online shit but are those even legit? hmmm.. I'll ask Lawyer Google for the answers.